Free

Have you ever felt free?

I have lived a beautiful, blessed life. I love my family and friends. I have done almost anything and everything I ever wanted to do. I was presented by great opportunities, and was supported by my family is taking up any that I wanted. I have never been oppressed, never been held back.

But have you ever felt free?

What does that even mean? Of course I was free. I chose my university, I chose what field I wanted to go into. I chose where I wanted to work. I chose whom I wanted to get engaged to. I was never bound in any way. I have always been free.

Just not like this. 

No, not like this. Not the way I feel right now.

I went to school, college, university. Had friends, lost friends, found love, found a job, got engaged, so on and so forth. Just your basic, amazing life. I was extremely happy, very very comfortable. I never wanted it to change. If it were up to me, I'd never have left. But due to one amazing person in my life, I did move, and my life, as I knew it, seemed to suddenly fall away. First came the homesickness, the longing for all that was familiar - and it's still here, because I don't think I'll ever let go of it completely; but then came this heady rush of freedom.

This freedom is not freedom from people, because it was never people that held me back. This freedom comes from within me. It is the realization that the world is huge, and I am infinitesimal. The understanding that what I considered my universe was but a tiny piece of the whole, and for once, the whole is within my reach.

It is a beautiful feeling to be able to look at a map of the world and accept that there is no where in God's world that I can't go, if I try hard enough. I hadn't looked at a map in forever. Why would I, I had no need of it, I wasn't going anywhere. Now when I look at it, I'm fascinated. There is just so much to see.

There is freedom in being able to talk to people from Australia on a boat in Key West. There is freedom in discussing God with a stranger on a bus. There is freedom in standing in the Atlantic ocean and feeling oh so small. There is freedom, and there is magic.

This freedom has a price, though, and the price is loneliness. I wouldn't want a lifetime of this, it would kill me, but for a while, a very little while, when the solitude is still bearable, this freedom is perfect.

"Now more than ever do I realize that I will never be content with a sedentary life, that I will always be haunted by thoughts of a sun-drenched elsewhere.”  ― Isabelle Eberhardt

This blog is my way of capturing what I'm feeling right now to savor it forever. I hope that someday, when I'm back home and at a different phase in my life, perhaps feeling bogged down by a thousand other things, I will be able to recall this feeling of freedom, and remember that it has to come from within. There will always be places to see, all you need is the desire to see them. 

The Final Year Trip

I was so scared I wouldn't be able to go, especially because very few girls were going, and I knew my parents would have a problem about it. But this trip is like the final glaze on the fantastic four years spent at uni, and there was no way I was ready to miss it, even if I was the only female going. The six days we spent touring the northern areas of Pakistan were well worth all the begging, cajoling and anxiety that went before! 

I swear, those six days, it felt like we were in a movie. You know, Dil Chahta Hai type. Or even Rang De Basanti but without the bloodshed. Driving around country lanes with friends, breath taking scenic beauty all around... life was spectacular.   

We spent hours and hours (and hours) in our buses and, later, in our jeeps, singing songs, playing countless hands of bluff, snacking randomly and sleeping [those of us who could].

Zain, asleep on  the poor drivers shoulder on the jeep ride to Astore

The driver finally made him sit in the back!

I could, obviously, sleep.

There were trekking and hiking trips...

 

Hiking to Rama Lake

...and splashing about in nearly frozen lakes...

We had this competition about who could stay in the freezing water longest and I WON I swear

 My shocking pink slipperssss <3

And then there was the trip to the Deosai Plains, to see the spectacular frozen lake. We were the first tourists after the thaw, and locals by the road side cheered up on as we passed through the fantastic vistas in our open jeep. A small pack of wild horses crossed our path, manes flying in the winds, to disappear over a small hillock. The snow, the patches of greenery... even the clouds were amazingly beautiful.

Astore Valley

Astore Valley

A view of The Killer Mountain (NangaParbat) from Raikot

The Deosai Plains

The lake itself just took our breath away. Cradled in the midst of mountains on one side and plains on the others, the lake was absolutely still. It seemed, standing there, as if Time had frozen in that valley. The water of the lake had frozen in waves, each crest and trough easily discernible. We could only stare at it in awe and wonder at the beauty of God and His creations.

The spectacular Deosai Lake

On the way back, we had another amazing experience:

Yes, we peed here.

Yes, the rest of the thirteen vehicles [and some seventy guys] waited =D

The trip would not have been this awesome but for my friends, who stood by me through all my fights with the ignorant faculty supervisor, shared their food with me, got me countless cups of coffee, put up with my bossy ways.... the list goes on and on. =)

Our fugly snow-weirdo in Deosai

Our Rama attempt, Astore

 There was so much dust on the road!

In front of the frozen Deosai Lake

Photography by: Usman Zahid, Najeen, Rehan Tariq, Fahad Raza, Fatema Ahmed