"I have settled all scores this day"

Squander not your ready arrows, my ragged heart is already in bits

Save what stones remain un cast, I am giving up this tainted body

Notify my would-be saviour, alert the files of enemies

For whatever I owed life, I have settled all scores this day.

But place my shroud atop my forehead so my murderers may assume not

That in death I have forgotten the foolery of love at its most arrogant.

There, a single word persisted; Here, I had a million reasons,

You heard not a word I said, and erased everything I wrote.

Where I stood, I was immovable as the mountains, when I moved I surpassed life

Oh, the path to my beloved - on every step I created memories.

(Translated by me, with my apologies to Faiz)

Na ganvao navak-e-neem kash, dil-e-reza reza ganva dia
Jo bachay hain sang samet lo, tan-e-dagh dagh luta dia

Mere charagar ko naveed ho, saf-e-dushmana ko khabar karo
Woh jo qarz rakhtay thay jaan par, woh hisab aaj chuka dia

Karo kaj jabeen pe sar-e-kafan, mere qatilon ko guman na ho
Ke ghuroor-e-ishq ka baankpan, pas-e-marg hum ne bhula dia

Udhar aik harf ki kushtni, yahan laakh uzr thaa guftni
Jo kaha toh sun ke ura dia, jo likha toh parh ke mita dia

Jo rukay toh koh-e-garan thay hum, jo chalay toh jan se guzar gaye
Rah-e-yaar hum ne qadam qadam, tujhay yadgaar bana dia

One of my absolutely favorite things to do is to translate Faiz. Haey Faiz. 

A beautiful rendition of this, by Iqbal Bano: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x137h47_iqbal-bano-na-ganwaao-naavak-e-neem-kash_music

Free

Have you ever felt free?

I have lived a beautiful, blessed life. I love my family and friends. I have done almost anything and everything I ever wanted to do. I was presented by great opportunities, and was supported by my family is taking up any that I wanted. I have never been oppressed, never been held back.

But have you ever felt free?

What does that even mean? Of course I was free. I chose my university, I chose what field I wanted to go into. I chose where I wanted to work. I chose whom I wanted to get engaged to. I was never bound in any way. I have always been free.

Just not like this. 

No, not like this. Not the way I feel right now.

I went to school, college, university. Had friends, lost friends, found love, found a job, got engaged, so on and so forth. Just your basic, amazing life. I was extremely happy, very very comfortable. I never wanted it to change. If it were up to me, I'd never have left. But due to one amazing person in my life, I did move, and my life, as I knew it, seemed to suddenly fall away. First came the homesickness, the longing for all that was familiar - and it's still here, because I don't think I'll ever let go of it completely; but then came this heady rush of freedom.

This freedom is not freedom from people, because it was never people that held me back. This freedom comes from within me. It is the realization that the world is huge, and I am infinitesimal. The understanding that what I considered my universe was but a tiny piece of the whole, and for once, the whole is within my reach.

It is a beautiful feeling to be able to look at a map of the world and accept that there is no where in God's world that I can't go, if I try hard enough. I hadn't looked at a map in forever. Why would I, I had no need of it, I wasn't going anywhere. Now when I look at it, I'm fascinated. There is just so much to see.

There is freedom in being able to talk to people from Australia on a boat in Key West. There is freedom in discussing God with a stranger on a bus. There is freedom in standing in the Atlantic ocean and feeling oh so small. There is freedom, and there is magic.

This freedom has a price, though, and the price is loneliness. I wouldn't want a lifetime of this, it would kill me, but for a while, a very little while, when the solitude is still bearable, this freedom is perfect.

"Now more than ever do I realize that I will never be content with a sedentary life, that I will always be haunted by thoughts of a sun-drenched elsewhere.”  ― Isabelle Eberhardt

This blog is my way of capturing what I'm feeling right now to savor it forever. I hope that someday, when I'm back home and at a different phase in my life, perhaps feeling bogged down by a thousand other things, I will be able to recall this feeling of freedom, and remember that it has to come from within. There will always be places to see, all you need is the desire to see them. 

Lessons [Part Three]

I have an ongoing list of things that I have learned in life thus far.
Lessons
Lessons - 2

Here's more:

70. People are very, very similar. And that's awesome.
71. People are very, very different. And that's awesome.
72. You don't need to know how to swim to be able to snorkel.
73. Life jackets are extremely effective.
74. I am very small. My life is very small. The world is very, very big, and extends way beyond my existential crisis.
75. American food is not at all bland.
76. To get a job in a government office, being grumpy and borderline mean is a global requirement. (e.g. NADRA in Pk or the RMV/DMV office in the US)
77. Indians love biryani and associate it with Pakistan.
78. There is more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done. - Lion King
79. Mexican food is freakin' amazing.
80. Some people will not like you. Even if you try really, really hard.
81. Canada has a horrible visa website.
82. There are a huge number of poor people in the US. There are a huge number of beggars in the US. Here, they're called the 'Homeless'.
83. Latin American culture is extremely similar to South Asian Culture. There are also definite overlaps with Korean culture.
84. When they say this is your 'Last chance for 50% off!', they're lying. There are sales every. single. day.
85. Dim sum is delicious.
86. A lot of people whom you thought were your friends, cannot stand you once you attain some form of success.
87. The western world has no idea what a 'love marriage' is. That's what every marriage is supposed to be.
88. Drunk people are a little scary.
89. When you go to the emergency room, it is not like Grey's Anatomy/ER/Scrubs/House at all. Waiting 3-6 hours is actually considered normal, unless you come in an ambulance. In the emergency room..
90. Most Americans can eat spicy food pretty easily.
91. Cakes will still fail.
92. Biryani also fails. Often.
93. Your true friends are the ones who will eat your biryani happily even when it fails. And praise the taste. Because the taste is what matters.
94. Living alone is really scary, and it changes you irrevocably.
95. Subways are the best ever. You can make new friends there every day.
96. When people question you about your country, you realize how hard it is to answer. Because answering for your whole country is a massive generalization, and not at all true. And you realize that this is how it is for other countries too, and so a judgement passed by anyone on the basis of their nationality, religion, or any 'mass' factor will always remain a lie.
97. Losing weight is extremely hard.
98. Losing people is extremely easy.
99. A successful marriage is not one which does not end in divorce.
100. The art of cooking is overrated.
101. Clubbing is way less fun than I thought it would be. Huge disappointment.
102. Highschool never ends.
103. Being non-judgmental is extremely tricky business.
104. There is a definite lack of empathy in the world now. The value of human life is negligible.
105. Marriage, in general, is a sucky concept.
106. Aunties are fun.
107. Once you start travelling, you don't have a single 'home' any more. You will leave pieces of your heart in every single street you pass through, and you'll miss it forever.
108. The handsomest men will be found accompanying their kids at parks. I'm convinced this has to do with natural selection.
109. When in doubt, eggs.
110. You are responsible for your own happiness.
111. Cleaning never gets easy.
112. Visa application/all sorts of official, document related stuff, is a huge headache and always will be.
113. To get a good job, you need connections, and this is a global phenomenon.
114. Travelling is amazing. Airplanes suck.
115. There is love in the most unexpected places. It makes up for the people who will never like you.

It's all a matter of perspective.

Often.

All over the place

That seems to be my motto when it comes to blogging. I have no idea why but I keep flitting from one blog to the other with no concern for my silent, ghostly, pretend readers. I'm sorry about that. I love all of my blogs equally and I can't bear to neglect any, though this one seems to be the most neglected.

Right now, at this precise moment in time, I am extremely content with life. I am alone in a strange land, but I am also free. I have so much to look forward to, but my present is beautiful too. I am extremely blessed. I feel so happy that I am afraid to share it for fear of jinxing it, or incurring the envy of others. It's difficult to not be paranoid about it. You know how, when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up? When you feel like you're soaring is when you most fear falling. That's what I feel now days.

But I'm not letting this stop me from being grateful for what I have in this phase of my life. I'm putting it down in words so I can always look back at this. You know I have a propensity to be dramatic every time I get the blues. Thankfully it never lasts, but through these posts I hope I shall always remember the beautiful times that I've lived.

I saw Walt Disney World. I explored Universal, and saw Harry Potter World. I had butter beer for God's sake. I rode on every single ride including all the Disney Princess ones. I experienced crazy water slides for the first time in my life. I traveled in a Red Mustang convertible with the top down across 51 bridges on the ocean. I went snorkeling, rode a jet ski, a banana boat, kayaked and para-sailed. I para sailed over the Atlantic ocean. I swam and floated in the Atlantic Ocean. I don't even know how to swim! I spent whole days just lying on the beach in Miami, reading. I walked for miles and miles and went where ever my heart dictated. I had ice cream every single day. I talked to strangers and smiled at random people on the bus who helped find our destination. I figured out the public transport system in every city I traveled to. I took a bus alone across Florida, and then again from New Jersey to Boston. I sang a horrible song on karaoke at a party on New Years eve. And this was just winter break.

This is what it's been like, when it's been good. There has also been a lot of heart burn and stress due to finance, accounting, operations, economics, etc. You get the drift. Lots of exams, presentations, assignments and crazy amounts of reading. 12 hour days and 12 hour exams. Then coming back home and figuring out what to eat. Grocery runs, getting my SSN and completing tax documents. It's hectic and it's crazy and it's all very grown up.

But it all ties in together to make the whole worth all the work.

Key West, Dec' 2013

Weird.

2013 has been AMAZING to me so far. I started to write this post without first going to my actual blog page, and when I did, I saw the two pity-party posts from June. And I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY I WROTE THEM! Can you believe that? I didn't remember writing them at all! Weird.

But anyway, I'm obviously over that spurt of depression, thankyouverymuch. And all I can see is how utterly awesome 2013 has been! Just goes to show how, heh.

Pal bhar main dhoo'an..

Jab teri samandar aankho'n main iss shaam ka sooraj doobay ga
Sukh soein gay ghar darr walay aur raaho apni rah le ga
Pal bhar ko amar - pal bhar main dhoo'an...

I seem to be living in a state of limbo for the past few days. I can easily trace it back to around the 1st of December, when I started my new job. But it's not just the job. There is so much in life that seems to be going wrong, and I feel absolutely helpless. Life is out of control, and I don't know what to do about it. Worse, I feel that, somewhere deep inside, I have finally given up.

To a lot of people, this may sound like abject thanklessness. I do not want for anything. I have people who love me, no major money problems, and I managed to land a job in spite of the horrible economic crisis. I should have been ecstatic; and truth be told, I keep telling myself the exact same thing. But a few events have occurred in my life, and that of those closest to me, that have made me wary of optimism.

Once upon a time I promised myself I'd always be happy, no matter what. It is becoming increasingly difficult to stick to that promise. I'm living my life in the most pathetic, useless, one-day-at-a-time manner ever. I wake up, throw on an outfit randomly with little though to my appearance and rush to my office. I go through the day working mindlessly, completing tasks which do not excite me and which do not use my brain or any of my competencies and capabilities. At 5:30 pm, I put a big cross on my calender to mark another day, and go home. I pass time doing absolutely nothing until I fall asleep. And so the cycle continues.

I haven't dressed up in ages. I haven't even touched my camera in weeks. I feel as if I haven't had FUN in ages. I know for a fact that this is not true, but this is how I FEEL and how I feel isn't always factual or rational but it still is.

I'm so scared of what my future is going to hold, so scared of the fleeting, insubstantial, undependable nature of happiness, I just want to run away and hide. Alone.

The Final Year Trip

I was so scared I wouldn't be able to go, especially because very few girls were going, and I knew my parents would have a problem about it. But this trip is like the final glaze on the fantastic four years spent at uni, and there was no way I was ready to miss it, even if I was the only female going. The six days we spent touring the northern areas of Pakistan were well worth all the begging, cajoling and anxiety that went before! 

I swear, those six days, it felt like we were in a movie. You know, Dil Chahta Hai type. Or even Rang De Basanti but without the bloodshed. Driving around country lanes with friends, breath taking scenic beauty all around... life was spectacular.   

We spent hours and hours (and hours) in our buses and, later, in our jeeps, singing songs, playing countless hands of bluff, snacking randomly and sleeping [those of us who could].

Zain, asleep on  the poor drivers shoulder on the jeep ride to Astore

The driver finally made him sit in the back!

I could, obviously, sleep.

There were trekking and hiking trips...

 

Hiking to Rama Lake

...and splashing about in nearly frozen lakes...

We had this competition about who could stay in the freezing water longest and I WON I swear

 My shocking pink slipperssss <3

And then there was the trip to the Deosai Plains, to see the spectacular frozen lake. We were the first tourists after the thaw, and locals by the road side cheered up on as we passed through the fantastic vistas in our open jeep. A small pack of wild horses crossed our path, manes flying in the winds, to disappear over a small hillock. The snow, the patches of greenery... even the clouds were amazingly beautiful.

Astore Valley

Astore Valley

A view of The Killer Mountain (NangaParbat) from Raikot

The Deosai Plains

The lake itself just took our breath away. Cradled in the midst of mountains on one side and plains on the others, the lake was absolutely still. It seemed, standing there, as if Time had frozen in that valley. The water of the lake had frozen in waves, each crest and trough easily discernible. We could only stare at it in awe and wonder at the beauty of God and His creations.

The spectacular Deosai Lake

On the way back, we had another amazing experience:

Yes, we peed here.

Yes, the rest of the thirteen vehicles [and some seventy guys] waited =D

The trip would not have been this awesome but for my friends, who stood by me through all my fights with the ignorant faculty supervisor, shared their food with me, got me countless cups of coffee, put up with my bossy ways.... the list goes on and on. =)

Our fugly snow-weirdo in Deosai

Our Rama attempt, Astore

 There was so much dust on the road!

In front of the frozen Deosai Lake

Photography by: Usman Zahid, Najeen, Rehan Tariq, Fahad Raza, Fatema Ahmed

For All of You

Credit: Z.Z.K.A 

My four years at NU-FAST have finally come to an end. We're going through our last week at uni now days, and I have very confusing feelings about this.

If you know me at all, you know that I'm an extremely emotional person. And if you knew me back in my A'levels, you'd know that I spent the last month and a half before high school ended crying. I hate good byes. I cannot stand losing people.

And this is losing them. no matter what we say, regardless of all the promises we make to stay in touch and get together frequently, the truth is, in another month or so, life as we know it will be no more.

These are the people I've seen every day of my life, through eighteen to twenty-two: the years that have had a huge impact on me; which shaped who I am and decided how I will look at, and deal with, the rest of my life. These people have seen me cry, shout and have nervous break-downs. We've acted crazy, had fun, and gotten in trouble together. I've had arguments with most of them. We've worked together on projects and put together events. We've loved each other and we've hated each other.

We have history together. And in a few days, all we will have are memories.

I'm happy to think of the future. No more assignments, no more worrying about grades. The thought of being economically independant is a huge rush. We're finally "growing up", and maybe that'll be fun. At the very least, it will finally be a break from the constant academic pressure. But I'm going to miss every single one of these people. Even the ones I actively dislike.

FAST is home. I've belonged here, and it has belonged to me. For four long years I entered here every morning, and if I so desired, I could stay here well into the night. We could do whatever we wanted, sit where ever we liked, and do it with the confidence that we could. In my mind these corridors will always resound with the songs we sang here, the common rooms with shared confidences. There were gossip sessions in empty class rooms, dancing in the ladies room, and celebrations in the cafeteria. There were impromptu basketball games, and hundreds of new friendships. We took life changing decisions and made critical choices, and worked through depression, hurt and anger with these friends. There were squabbles over work, class politics, and begging random juniors for lunch money. And there was a whole lot of love.  

This is what I see when I look back over the last four years. This is what I'll always remember.

This is what I will forever miss.