...

Utterly alone. That's the way I feel inside. Even while my mind tells me this isn't true. I have family and friends, a fiance who loves me, a lot of people I can talk to. But somehow it feels as if I can't get through to anyone. I went out with friends today because I know that is this actually is depression I have to make an effort to get out of it by doing things that would normally make me happy. I baked a pavlova, regardless of the 50 degree Celsius heat, and then I went to dinner with friends. But all the time I sat there I felt as if we were on different planes. There was just no connection. I talk to my fiance everyday, and it's the same with him. It feels as if they can't hear me. This makes me angry, because I start feeling as if they don't care enough to try and find out, or make it better. Because it feels as if they aren't trying to understand. There is nothing wrong, I KNOW that. But I'm not okay, and I know that too.

Now that I have it all written down it sounds so melodramatic, something a teenager would say. I pride myself on generally being a happy and content person, even with my penchant of worrying too much. So this is kind of a disappointment. Lets hope this stupid phase ends soon.

Why.

We know how I only write when I'm upset, despite my efforts to the contrary. Well, after absolutely ages, I'm seriously upset. And what is more depressing is that I have no one. absolutely NO person, to talk to.

This is depressing because otherwise, I have a ton of friends. I have a huge circle of peers, and lots of people who will "like" my photos and comment on my online activities. I also have a large number of "real" life friends. But now days I feel disconnected from everyone. Isn't that grand? We place so much importance on these connections, seeking validation all the time. But for now, I feel as if I can't talk to anyone, because I don't know if they will understand. I don't know what to say to them. I don't know why I'm feeling the way I am. I have no clue why I'm depressed.

My brain keeps reminding itself of all the reasons I should NOT be depressed. Almost two months ago I got engaged to an amazing guy I'm totally in love with. I've gotten a prestigious scholarship award and got admitted to the university of my choice, a university ranked #1 in the world for the last 20 years, in the degree I'm going for. Two years, all expense paid, in the US, and coming back with an awesome degree. I have it all going for me, and believe me, I'm thankful. Very, very thankful.

So WHY am I feeling depressed. I don't feel like meeting anyone, or conversing, or cooking or baking, or even washing my face. I want to run away. I want to curl up somewhere, and hide. And I just don't know why.




25-02-14: Of course I was depressed. I was all set to leave for a whole new world, leaving everything I knew behind. My family, friends, the Boy, everything would be so far away. It would've been weirder if I hadn't felt the way I was feeling! Aaah, hindsight is always fun.