...

Utterly alone. That's the way I feel inside. Even while my mind tells me this isn't true. I have family and friends, a fiance who loves me, a lot of people I can talk to. But somehow it feels as if I can't get through to anyone. I went out with friends today because I know that is this actually is depression I have to make an effort to get out of it by doing things that would normally make me happy. I baked a pavlova, regardless of the 50 degree Celsius heat, and then I went to dinner with friends. But all the time I sat there I felt as if we were on different planes. There was just no connection. I talk to my fiance everyday, and it's the same with him. It feels as if they can't hear me. This makes me angry, because I start feeling as if they don't care enough to try and find out, or make it better. Because it feels as if they aren't trying to understand. There is nothing wrong, I KNOW that. But I'm not okay, and I know that too.

Now that I have it all written down it sounds so melodramatic, something a teenager would say. I pride myself on generally being a happy and content person, even with my penchant of worrying too much. So this is kind of a disappointment. Lets hope this stupid phase ends soon.

Why.

We know how I only write when I'm upset, despite my efforts to the contrary. Well, after absolutely ages, I'm seriously upset. And what is more depressing is that I have no one. absolutely NO person, to talk to.

This is depressing because otherwise, I have a ton of friends. I have a huge circle of peers, and lots of people who will "like" my photos and comment on my online activities. I also have a large number of "real" life friends. But now days I feel disconnected from everyone. Isn't that grand? We place so much importance on these connections, seeking validation all the time. But for now, I feel as if I can't talk to anyone, because I don't know if they will understand. I don't know what to say to them. I don't know why I'm feeling the way I am. I have no clue why I'm depressed.

My brain keeps reminding itself of all the reasons I should NOT be depressed. Almost two months ago I got engaged to an amazing guy I'm totally in love with. I've gotten a prestigious scholarship award and got admitted to the university of my choice, a university ranked #1 in the world for the last 20 years, in the degree I'm going for. Two years, all expense paid, in the US, and coming back with an awesome degree. I have it all going for me, and believe me, I'm thankful. Very, very thankful.

So WHY am I feeling depressed. I don't feel like meeting anyone, or conversing, or cooking or baking, or even washing my face. I want to run away. I want to curl up somewhere, and hide. And I just don't know why.




25-02-14: Of course I was depressed. I was all set to leave for a whole new world, leaving everything I knew behind. My family, friends, the Boy, everything would be so far away. It would've been weirder if I hadn't felt the way I was feeling! Aaah, hindsight is always fun. 

You and me

'Cause it's you and me...

Hold on.

What are you staring at?

This is me.

*nods wisely*

How do you make sure your day goes well?

Start by having ice cream for breakfast. True story.

9:30 a.m.

Yesterday sucked so bad, I decided to take charge. So I am going to do everything possible to make sure today is better, and I started off having ice cream for breakfast. Soft-serve Belgian Chocolate. Just a single scoop, but it makes a huge difference I tell you!

Next: Update my blog from office. Oh yes, you heard me. Yesterday I spent FIVE HOURS absolutely free. I mean, office hours are 9:30 am to 5:30 pm, and honestly, I spent five hours in there doing absolutely nothing. And these people do not allow me to listen to music, or browse on the internet - EVERYTHING is blocked and there's a 60 minute 'entertainment/social networking' quota which expires in the first half of the day. Argh. I spent hours on wikipedia researching random comic characters. Like Calvin and Hobbes and Agnes.

I love Calvin and Hobbes. I printed out some good strips for my cubicle too. But more on that later..

2:04 p.m.

So I sat in my cubicle, alone and free, from 10:30 till 1:00 pm. I had completed the work assigned to me before time and no one was free to give me any more, even though I kept hounding them. I was sad and happy in equal measures, to be honest. I read my copy of Reader's Digest Asia twice. This is what I looked like:

I look like a weird gnome.

Yes, sad, I know.

Anyway, at 1:00 pm my supervisor called me in for a viva/oral test on financial concepts he had asked me to prepare over the weekend. I didn't eaxctly pass with flying colors but it wasnt so bad. He gave me a little more work which I finished by 1:30 pm and then I was off to lunch!

For lunch today I went to the company's cafe with a colleague. It was a pleasant hour or so - the food was okayish but the company was interesting. I did meet another colleague, so that puts the total number of people I know in my office at 9. Yaay. Really.

5:13 p.m.

I did some work until 3:45 pm, and then we closed everything to go to the head office where there was a birthday celebration for someone in the department. Sadly, I was unable to eat anything there except a tiny slice of cake because of the lunch I had had. But it was still interesting because I got introduced to the whole Finance department! And the Head Office is cooler than our branch.

We came back around 4:30 p.m., I wrapped up the work I had been doing and closed shop. That was it. For the day. Would you believe I'm being paid to spend days like this? Maybe they're pranking me or something.

How long do you think I'll last? My mum has her money on six months.
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By the way, this is so cute: http://bluecentric.com/?p=26948

Pal bhar main dhoo'an..

Jab teri samandar aankho'n main iss shaam ka sooraj doobay ga
Sukh soein gay ghar darr walay aur raaho apni rah le ga
Pal bhar ko amar - pal bhar main dhoo'an...

I seem to be living in a state of limbo for the past few days. I can easily trace it back to around the 1st of December, when I started my new job. But it's not just the job. There is so much in life that seems to be going wrong, and I feel absolutely helpless. Life is out of control, and I don't know what to do about it. Worse, I feel that, somewhere deep inside, I have finally given up.

To a lot of people, this may sound like abject thanklessness. I do not want for anything. I have people who love me, no major money problems, and I managed to land a job in spite of the horrible economic crisis. I should have been ecstatic; and truth be told, I keep telling myself the exact same thing. But a few events have occurred in my life, and that of those closest to me, that have made me wary of optimism.

Once upon a time I promised myself I'd always be happy, no matter what. It is becoming increasingly difficult to stick to that promise. I'm living my life in the most pathetic, useless, one-day-at-a-time manner ever. I wake up, throw on an outfit randomly with little though to my appearance and rush to my office. I go through the day working mindlessly, completing tasks which do not excite me and which do not use my brain or any of my competencies and capabilities. At 5:30 pm, I put a big cross on my calender to mark another day, and go home. I pass time doing absolutely nothing until I fall asleep. And so the cycle continues.

I haven't dressed up in ages. I haven't even touched my camera in weeks. I feel as if I haven't had FUN in ages. I know for a fact that this is not true, but this is how I FEEL and how I feel isn't always factual or rational but it still is.

I'm so scared of what my future is going to hold, so scared of the fleeting, insubstantial, undependable nature of happiness, I just want to run away and hide. Alone.

The Final Year Trip

I was so scared I wouldn't be able to go, especially because very few girls were going, and I knew my parents would have a problem about it. But this trip is like the final glaze on the fantastic four years spent at uni, and there was no way I was ready to miss it, even if I was the only female going. The six days we spent touring the northern areas of Pakistan were well worth all the begging, cajoling and anxiety that went before! 

I swear, those six days, it felt like we were in a movie. You know, Dil Chahta Hai type. Or even Rang De Basanti but without the bloodshed. Driving around country lanes with friends, breath taking scenic beauty all around... life was spectacular.   

We spent hours and hours (and hours) in our buses and, later, in our jeeps, singing songs, playing countless hands of bluff, snacking randomly and sleeping [those of us who could].

Zain, asleep on  the poor drivers shoulder on the jeep ride to Astore

The driver finally made him sit in the back!

I could, obviously, sleep.

There were trekking and hiking trips...

 

Hiking to Rama Lake

...and splashing about in nearly frozen lakes...

We had this competition about who could stay in the freezing water longest and I WON I swear

 My shocking pink slipperssss <3

And then there was the trip to the Deosai Plains, to see the spectacular frozen lake. We were the first tourists after the thaw, and locals by the road side cheered up on as we passed through the fantastic vistas in our open jeep. A small pack of wild horses crossed our path, manes flying in the winds, to disappear over a small hillock. The snow, the patches of greenery... even the clouds were amazingly beautiful.

Astore Valley

Astore Valley

A view of The Killer Mountain (NangaParbat) from Raikot

The Deosai Plains

The lake itself just took our breath away. Cradled in the midst of mountains on one side and plains on the others, the lake was absolutely still. It seemed, standing there, as if Time had frozen in that valley. The water of the lake had frozen in waves, each crest and trough easily discernible. We could only stare at it in awe and wonder at the beauty of God and His creations.

The spectacular Deosai Lake

On the way back, we had another amazing experience:

Yes, we peed here.

Yes, the rest of the thirteen vehicles [and some seventy guys] waited =D

The trip would not have been this awesome but for my friends, who stood by me through all my fights with the ignorant faculty supervisor, shared their food with me, got me countless cups of coffee, put up with my bossy ways.... the list goes on and on. =)

Our fugly snow-weirdo in Deosai

Our Rama attempt, Astore

 There was so much dust on the road!

In front of the frozen Deosai Lake

Photography by: Usman Zahid, Najeen, Rehan Tariq, Fahad Raza, Fatema Ahmed