The Speech That Wasn't - 16th May, 2015

It’s a beautiful day, and I'd like to start by talking about...snow! Remember how we thought it was never going to go away? That we would be stuck with these hulking mountains of snow, and forced to live like that forever? And then two weeks ago,  as I was walking to class in Olin, I realized how just how little was left. While I was busy cursing at it, juggling a thousand different things in my life, I hadn’t even noticed that the snow had almost all disappeared. Thank goodness.

And, just like that, while we were busy battling crazy long case studies, internship interviews, weekly quizzes and job searches, our time at Babson has also  melted away.

Today we all enter a new Season together. Hopefully, this is Spring, and it is here to stay. It is time for every single one of us to bloom.

Babson has changed me irrevocably. My two years here were  the first time I left home, the first time I have lived anywhere outside of my home country. I am not sure what I came here looking for, but I know I leave with more than I could ever have imagined. More knowledge, more experience of the world, an expanded skill-set, a larger network, a lot more friends, a mountain of memories, and a greater insight into myself, my own strengths and weaknesses.

But most importantly, I think I have seen at Babson what may be the means— at least A means-- to world peace. Or as close to it as we can get, at least!

In these two years I met hundreds of people from all walks of life. I met, and fell absolutely in love with: the Peruvians who mothered me; the American Jews who  messaged me their support every time something went wrong back home; the Christians from a number of countries who are among the most caring people I know; the atheists who showed me  respect and were phenomenal friends; the  Indians who took me for ice cream when I was down, and stayed at the hospital with me over night, even with a final the next morning; the Chinese who became among my most valued friends.

I found that Latin American culture is very like my own in terms of gender roles, and that mothers everywhere are as involved in their kids' lives as Pakistani mothers; that kenyans eat the same bread as I do, and also call it the same name - chapati, and that there was no way for me to differentiate between a gay person and a not-gay person. I found that every person I met was a Good Person.

I met students from an infinite combination of  backgrounds -- religions, nationalities, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic background, and every. single. one. of them was a Good Person.

Minute by minute and day by day, every single prejudice I held, whether consciously or unconsciously, melted away—no match for real personal encounters with real people. I became friends with individuals whom I thought I did not, or could not like or understand, because of the “labels” I had consciously or unconsciously applied to them.  Except once I got to know you, I could no longer see the labels.

If every person in the world—if just more people--could have experience like ours at Babson—encounters with others in an environment that respects and nurtures diversity-- I believe we all would be the better for it. The community that exists here breaks stereotypes and barriers every day. Here, gender, religion, sexual orientation, nationality, and race cease to matter. 

You see, Babson has taken away any excuse for prejudice that I could ever have had. Never again in my life can I get away judging a group of people based on a label affixed to them, because they are different from me. And I hope it is the same for you.  

In a world so visibly and tragically consumed by religious, ethnic and other forms of intolerance and violence,  my wish today  for all of us is that the "real" world never strips away this awareness and appreciation of diversity. That we never lose the tolerance, thoughtfulness and sensitivity that we lived with here at Babson. That, along with the hard skills, leadership and entrepreneurship that Babson taught us,  we also use this love and understanding in every single deal, business or otherwise.

37,000 alumni, 114 countries - can you imagine the impact?

I wish you all the best of luck, and an infinite amount of love. "Pa makha de' kha" - May you always be faced with Good. Thank you. 

No More Forevers

Forevers are for teenagers and first loves. Somedays come true with the second loves, or the third, but you've lost forever forever. 

"I have settled all scores this day"

Squander not your ready arrows, my ragged heart is already in bits

Save what stones remain un cast, I am giving up this tainted body

Notify my would-be saviour, alert the files of enemies

For whatever I owed life, I have settled all scores this day.

But place my shroud atop my forehead so my murderers may assume not

That in death I have forgotten the foolery of love at its most arrogant.

There, a single word persisted; Here, I had a million reasons,

You heard not a word I said, and erased everything I wrote.

Where I stood, I was immovable as the mountains, when I moved I surpassed life

Oh, the path to my beloved - on every step I created memories.

(Translated by me, with my apologies to Faiz)

Na ganvao navak-e-neem kash, dil-e-reza reza ganva dia
Jo bachay hain sang samet lo, tan-e-dagh dagh luta dia

Mere charagar ko naveed ho, saf-e-dushmana ko khabar karo
Woh jo qarz rakhtay thay jaan par, woh hisab aaj chuka dia

Karo kaj jabeen pe sar-e-kafan, mere qatilon ko guman na ho
Ke ghuroor-e-ishq ka baankpan, pas-e-marg hum ne bhula dia

Udhar aik harf ki kushtni, yahan laakh uzr thaa guftni
Jo kaha toh sun ke ura dia, jo likha toh parh ke mita dia

Jo rukay toh koh-e-garan thay hum, jo chalay toh jan se guzar gaye
Rah-e-yaar hum ne qadam qadam, tujhay yadgaar bana dia

One of my absolutely favorite things to do is to translate Faiz. Haey Faiz. 

A beautiful rendition of this, by Iqbal Bano: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x137h47_iqbal-bano-na-ganwaao-naavak-e-neem-kash_music

Free

Have you ever felt free?

I have lived a beautiful, blessed life. I love my family and friends. I have done almost anything and everything I ever wanted to do. I was presented by great opportunities, and was supported by my family is taking up any that I wanted. I have never been oppressed, never been held back.

But have you ever felt free?

What does that even mean? Of course I was free. I chose my university, I chose what field I wanted to go into. I chose where I wanted to work. I chose whom I wanted to get engaged to. I was never bound in any way. I have always been free.

Just not like this. 

No, not like this. Not the way I feel right now.

I went to school, college, university. Had friends, lost friends, found love, found a job, got engaged, so on and so forth. Just your basic, amazing life. I was extremely happy, very very comfortable. I never wanted it to change. If it were up to me, I'd never have left. But due to one amazing person in my life, I did move, and my life, as I knew it, seemed to suddenly fall away. First came the homesickness, the longing for all that was familiar - and it's still here, because I don't think I'll ever let go of it completely; but then came this heady rush of freedom.

This freedom is not freedom from people, because it was never people that held me back. This freedom comes from within me. It is the realization that the world is huge, and I am infinitesimal. The understanding that what I considered my universe was but a tiny piece of the whole, and for once, the whole is within my reach.

It is a beautiful feeling to be able to look at a map of the world and accept that there is no where in God's world that I can't go, if I try hard enough. I hadn't looked at a map in forever. Why would I, I had no need of it, I wasn't going anywhere. Now when I look at it, I'm fascinated. There is just so much to see.

There is freedom in being able to talk to people from Australia on a boat in Key West. There is freedom in discussing God with a stranger on a bus. There is freedom in standing in the Atlantic ocean and feeling oh so small. There is freedom, and there is magic.

This freedom has a price, though, and the price is loneliness. I wouldn't want a lifetime of this, it would kill me, but for a while, a very little while, when the solitude is still bearable, this freedom is perfect.

"Now more than ever do I realize that I will never be content with a sedentary life, that I will always be haunted by thoughts of a sun-drenched elsewhere.”  ― Isabelle Eberhardt

This blog is my way of capturing what I'm feeling right now to savor it forever. I hope that someday, when I'm back home and at a different phase in my life, perhaps feeling bogged down by a thousand other things, I will be able to recall this feeling of freedom, and remember that it has to come from within. There will always be places to see, all you need is the desire to see them. 

Lessons [Part Three]

I have an ongoing list of things that I have learned in life thus far.
Lessons
Lessons - 2

Here's more:

70. People are very, very similar. And that's awesome.
71. People are very, very different. And that's awesome.
72. You don't need to know how to swim to be able to snorkel.
73. Life jackets are extremely effective.
74. I am very small. My life is very small. The world is very, very big, and extends way beyond my existential crisis.
75. American food is not at all bland.
76. To get a job in a government office, being grumpy and borderline mean is a global requirement. (e.g. NADRA in Pk or the RMV/DMV office in the US)
77. Indians love biryani and associate it with Pakistan.
78. There is more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done. - Lion King
79. Mexican food is freakin' amazing.
80. Some people will not like you. Even if you try really, really hard.
81. Canada has a horrible visa website.
82. There are a huge number of poor people in the US. There are a huge number of beggars in the US. Here, they're called the 'Homeless'.
83. Latin American culture is extremely similar to South Asian Culture. There are also definite overlaps with Korean culture.
84. When they say this is your 'Last chance for 50% off!', they're lying. There are sales every. single. day.
85. Dim sum is delicious.
86. A lot of people whom you thought were your friends, cannot stand you once you attain some form of success.
87. The western world has no idea what a 'love marriage' is. That's what every marriage is supposed to be.
88. Drunk people are a little scary.
89. When you go to the emergency room, it is not like Grey's Anatomy/ER/Scrubs/House at all. Waiting 3-6 hours is actually considered normal, unless you come in an ambulance. In the emergency room..
90. Most Americans can eat spicy food pretty easily.
91. Cakes will still fail.
92. Biryani also fails. Often.
93. Your true friends are the ones who will eat your biryani happily even when it fails. And praise the taste. Because the taste is what matters.
94. Living alone is really scary, and it changes you irrevocably.
95. Subways are the best ever. You can make new friends there every day.
96. When people question you about your country, you realize how hard it is to answer. Because answering for your whole country is a massive generalization, and not at all true. And you realize that this is how it is for other countries too, and so a judgement passed by anyone on the basis of their nationality, religion, or any 'mass' factor will always remain a lie.
97. Losing weight is extremely hard.
98. Losing people is extremely easy.
99. A successful marriage is not one which does not end in divorce.
100. The art of cooking is overrated.
101. Clubbing is way less fun than I thought it would be. Huge disappointment.
102. Highschool never ends.
103. Being non-judgmental is extremely tricky business.
104. There is a definite lack of empathy in the world now. The value of human life is negligible.
105. Marriage, in general, is a sucky concept.
106. Aunties are fun.
107. Once you start travelling, you don't have a single 'home' any more. You will leave pieces of your heart in every single street you pass through, and you'll miss it forever.
108. The handsomest men will be found accompanying their kids at parks. I'm convinced this has to do with natural selection.
109. When in doubt, eggs.
110. You are responsible for your own happiness.
111. Cleaning never gets easy.
112. Visa application/all sorts of official, document related stuff, is a huge headache and always will be.
113. To get a good job, you need connections, and this is a global phenomenon.
114. Travelling is amazing. Airplanes suck.
115. There is love in the most unexpected places. It makes up for the people who will never like you.

It's all a matter of perspective.

Often.

All over the place

That seems to be my motto when it comes to blogging. I have no idea why but I keep flitting from one blog to the other with no concern for my silent, ghostly, pretend readers. I'm sorry about that. I love all of my blogs equally and I can't bear to neglect any, though this one seems to be the most neglected.

Right now, at this precise moment in time, I am extremely content with life. I am alone in a strange land, but I am also free. I have so much to look forward to, but my present is beautiful too. I am extremely blessed. I feel so happy that I am afraid to share it for fear of jinxing it, or incurring the envy of others. It's difficult to not be paranoid about it. You know how, when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up? When you feel like you're soaring is when you most fear falling. That's what I feel now days.

But I'm not letting this stop me from being grateful for what I have in this phase of my life. I'm putting it down in words so I can always look back at this. You know I have a propensity to be dramatic every time I get the blues. Thankfully it never lasts, but through these posts I hope I shall always remember the beautiful times that I've lived.

I saw Walt Disney World. I explored Universal, and saw Harry Potter World. I had butter beer for God's sake. I rode on every single ride including all the Disney Princess ones. I experienced crazy water slides for the first time in my life. I traveled in a Red Mustang convertible with the top down across 51 bridges on the ocean. I went snorkeling, rode a jet ski, a banana boat, kayaked and para-sailed. I para sailed over the Atlantic ocean. I swam and floated in the Atlantic Ocean. I don't even know how to swim! I spent whole days just lying on the beach in Miami, reading. I walked for miles and miles and went where ever my heart dictated. I had ice cream every single day. I talked to strangers and smiled at random people on the bus who helped find our destination. I figured out the public transport system in every city I traveled to. I took a bus alone across Florida, and then again from New Jersey to Boston. I sang a horrible song on karaoke at a party on New Years eve. And this was just winter break.

This is what it's been like, when it's been good. There has also been a lot of heart burn and stress due to finance, accounting, operations, economics, etc. You get the drift. Lots of exams, presentations, assignments and crazy amounts of reading. 12 hour days and 12 hour exams. Then coming back home and figuring out what to eat. Grocery runs, getting my SSN and completing tax documents. It's hectic and it's crazy and it's all very grown up.

But it all ties in together to make the whole worth all the work.

Key West, Dec' 2013

Weird.

2013 has been AMAZING to me so far. I started to write this post without first going to my actual blog page, and when I did, I saw the two pity-party posts from June. And I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY I WROTE THEM! Can you believe that? I didn't remember writing them at all! Weird.

But anyway, I'm obviously over that spurt of depression, thankyouverymuch. And all I can see is how utterly awesome 2013 has been! Just goes to show how, heh.

...

Utterly alone. That's the way I feel inside. Even while my mind tells me this isn't true. I have family and friends, a fiance who loves me, a lot of people I can talk to. But somehow it feels as if I can't get through to anyone. I went out with friends today because I know that is this actually is depression I have to make an effort to get out of it by doing things that would normally make me happy. I baked a pavlova, regardless of the 50 degree Celsius heat, and then I went to dinner with friends. But all the time I sat there I felt as if we were on different planes. There was just no connection. I talk to my fiance everyday, and it's the same with him. It feels as if they can't hear me. This makes me angry, because I start feeling as if they don't care enough to try and find out, or make it better. Because it feels as if they aren't trying to understand. There is nothing wrong, I KNOW that. But I'm not okay, and I know that too.

Now that I have it all written down it sounds so melodramatic, something a teenager would say. I pride myself on generally being a happy and content person, even with my penchant of worrying too much. So this is kind of a disappointment. Lets hope this stupid phase ends soon.

Why.

We know how I only write when I'm upset, despite my efforts to the contrary. Well, after absolutely ages, I'm seriously upset. And what is more depressing is that I have no one. absolutely NO person, to talk to.

This is depressing because otherwise, I have a ton of friends. I have a huge circle of peers, and lots of people who will "like" my photos and comment on my online activities. I also have a large number of "real" life friends. But now days I feel disconnected from everyone. Isn't that grand? We place so much importance on these connections, seeking validation all the time. But for now, I feel as if I can't talk to anyone, because I don't know if they will understand. I don't know what to say to them. I don't know why I'm feeling the way I am. I have no clue why I'm depressed.

My brain keeps reminding itself of all the reasons I should NOT be depressed. Almost two months ago I got engaged to an amazing guy I'm totally in love with. I've gotten a prestigious scholarship award and got admitted to the university of my choice, a university ranked #1 in the world for the last 20 years, in the degree I'm going for. Two years, all expense paid, in the US, and coming back with an awesome degree. I have it all going for me, and believe me, I'm thankful. Very, very thankful.

So WHY am I feeling depressed. I don't feel like meeting anyone, or conversing, or cooking or baking, or even washing my face. I want to run away. I want to curl up somewhere, and hide. And I just don't know why.




25-02-14: Of course I was depressed. I was all set to leave for a whole new world, leaving everything I knew behind. My family, friends, the Boy, everything would be so far away. It would've been weirder if I hadn't felt the way I was feeling! Aaah, hindsight is always fun. 

You and me

'Cause it's you and me...

Hold on.

What are you staring at?

This is me.

*nods wisely*

How do you make sure your day goes well?

Start by having ice cream for breakfast. True story.

9:30 a.m.

Yesterday sucked so bad, I decided to take charge. So I am going to do everything possible to make sure today is better, and I started off having ice cream for breakfast. Soft-serve Belgian Chocolate. Just a single scoop, but it makes a huge difference I tell you!

Next: Update my blog from office. Oh yes, you heard me. Yesterday I spent FIVE HOURS absolutely free. I mean, office hours are 9:30 am to 5:30 pm, and honestly, I spent five hours in there doing absolutely nothing. And these people do not allow me to listen to music, or browse on the internet - EVERYTHING is blocked and there's a 60 minute 'entertainment/social networking' quota which expires in the first half of the day. Argh. I spent hours on wikipedia researching random comic characters. Like Calvin and Hobbes and Agnes.

I love Calvin and Hobbes. I printed out some good strips for my cubicle too. But more on that later..

2:04 p.m.

So I sat in my cubicle, alone and free, from 10:30 till 1:00 pm. I had completed the work assigned to me before time and no one was free to give me any more, even though I kept hounding them. I was sad and happy in equal measures, to be honest. I read my copy of Reader's Digest Asia twice. This is what I looked like:

I look like a weird gnome.

Yes, sad, I know.

Anyway, at 1:00 pm my supervisor called me in for a viva/oral test on financial concepts he had asked me to prepare over the weekend. I didn't eaxctly pass with flying colors but it wasnt so bad. He gave me a little more work which I finished by 1:30 pm and then I was off to lunch!

For lunch today I went to the company's cafe with a colleague. It was a pleasant hour or so - the food was okayish but the company was interesting. I did meet another colleague, so that puts the total number of people I know in my office at 9. Yaay. Really.

5:13 p.m.

I did some work until 3:45 pm, and then we closed everything to go to the head office where there was a birthday celebration for someone in the department. Sadly, I was unable to eat anything there except a tiny slice of cake because of the lunch I had had. But it was still interesting because I got introduced to the whole Finance department! And the Head Office is cooler than our branch.

We came back around 4:30 p.m., I wrapped up the work I had been doing and closed shop. That was it. For the day. Would you believe I'm being paid to spend days like this? Maybe they're pranking me or something.

How long do you think I'll last? My mum has her money on six months.
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By the way, this is so cute: http://bluecentric.com/?p=26948

Pal bhar main dhoo'an..

Jab teri samandar aankho'n main iss shaam ka sooraj doobay ga
Sukh soein gay ghar darr walay aur raaho apni rah le ga
Pal bhar ko amar - pal bhar main dhoo'an...

I seem to be living in a state of limbo for the past few days. I can easily trace it back to around the 1st of December, when I started my new job. But it's not just the job. There is so much in life that seems to be going wrong, and I feel absolutely helpless. Life is out of control, and I don't know what to do about it. Worse, I feel that, somewhere deep inside, I have finally given up.

To a lot of people, this may sound like abject thanklessness. I do not want for anything. I have people who love me, no major money problems, and I managed to land a job in spite of the horrible economic crisis. I should have been ecstatic; and truth be told, I keep telling myself the exact same thing. But a few events have occurred in my life, and that of those closest to me, that have made me wary of optimism.

Once upon a time I promised myself I'd always be happy, no matter what. It is becoming increasingly difficult to stick to that promise. I'm living my life in the most pathetic, useless, one-day-at-a-time manner ever. I wake up, throw on an outfit randomly with little though to my appearance and rush to my office. I go through the day working mindlessly, completing tasks which do not excite me and which do not use my brain or any of my competencies and capabilities. At 5:30 pm, I put a big cross on my calender to mark another day, and go home. I pass time doing absolutely nothing until I fall asleep. And so the cycle continues.

I haven't dressed up in ages. I haven't even touched my camera in weeks. I feel as if I haven't had FUN in ages. I know for a fact that this is not true, but this is how I FEEL and how I feel isn't always factual or rational but it still is.

I'm so scared of what my future is going to hold, so scared of the fleeting, insubstantial, undependable nature of happiness, I just want to run away and hide. Alone.

The Final Year Trip

I was so scared I wouldn't be able to go, especially because very few girls were going, and I knew my parents would have a problem about it. But this trip is like the final glaze on the fantastic four years spent at uni, and there was no way I was ready to miss it, even if I was the only female going. The six days we spent touring the northern areas of Pakistan were well worth all the begging, cajoling and anxiety that went before! 

I swear, those six days, it felt like we were in a movie. You know, Dil Chahta Hai type. Or even Rang De Basanti but without the bloodshed. Driving around country lanes with friends, breath taking scenic beauty all around... life was spectacular.   

We spent hours and hours (and hours) in our buses and, later, in our jeeps, singing songs, playing countless hands of bluff, snacking randomly and sleeping [those of us who could].

Zain, asleep on  the poor drivers shoulder on the jeep ride to Astore

The driver finally made him sit in the back!

I could, obviously, sleep.

There were trekking and hiking trips...

 

Hiking to Rama Lake

...and splashing about in nearly frozen lakes...

We had this competition about who could stay in the freezing water longest and I WON I swear

 My shocking pink slipperssss <3

And then there was the trip to the Deosai Plains, to see the spectacular frozen lake. We were the first tourists after the thaw, and locals by the road side cheered up on as we passed through the fantastic vistas in our open jeep. A small pack of wild horses crossed our path, manes flying in the winds, to disappear over a small hillock. The snow, the patches of greenery... even the clouds were amazingly beautiful.

Astore Valley

Astore Valley

A view of The Killer Mountain (NangaParbat) from Raikot

The Deosai Plains

The lake itself just took our breath away. Cradled in the midst of mountains on one side and plains on the others, the lake was absolutely still. It seemed, standing there, as if Time had frozen in that valley. The water of the lake had frozen in waves, each crest and trough easily discernible. We could only stare at it in awe and wonder at the beauty of God and His creations.

The spectacular Deosai Lake

On the way back, we had another amazing experience:

Yes, we peed here.

Yes, the rest of the thirteen vehicles [and some seventy guys] waited =D

The trip would not have been this awesome but for my friends, who stood by me through all my fights with the ignorant faculty supervisor, shared their food with me, got me countless cups of coffee, put up with my bossy ways.... the list goes on and on. =)

Our fugly snow-weirdo in Deosai

Our Rama attempt, Astore

 There was so much dust on the road!

In front of the frozen Deosai Lake

Photography by: Usman Zahid, Najeen, Rehan Tariq, Fahad Raza, Fatema Ahmed

Little Artists!

It's been so long since I last posted, and such a lot of life I've lived in these months! I promise, I've thought about blogging at least every other day, but I don't know why I just wouldn't make the move.

But yes, about my life since May. Well, remember that Sunday in when I had that break down I talked about? Let's take it from there.

I am happy to report that every SINGLE issue I highlighted in that post resolved to the best possible results. That is the beauty of analysis in hindsight. It allows you to see the patterns so clearly - how God had it all planned out from the get-go, and you were just wasting energy hyperventilating about things you cannot control. I am, in no way, against the occasional mellow dramatic breakdown. In fact, I quite enjoy mine, and I have great faith in their contribution to a healthier, happier life. But hindsight makes you feel foolish about it. Some times.

Anyway, I digress. To get back on track, let me tell you about the Little Artists' Competitiiioooonnnn! Eeeeeeks! I get so excited just thinking back about those days! SO much stress - I ACTUALLY cried (with tears and all) when I did not get my designated venue empty and clean in time from the Creative department [who were using it as their work place], the night before the competition! But the excitement, the drama, the thrill of bringing together an event, ensuring everything runs smoothly, last minute issues, dealing with crisis situations [there were many!] and then playing with the children... It was LOVELY! I'm very results oriented, and it was out of this world to get the direct feedback from teachers and parents, as well as see the excitement of the children and know they were able to have FUN!

We had face painting, mask making, macaroni jewellery making, pottery painting, even dancing [waka waka ftw!] along with the actual competitions! My team was one of the largest in the whole of NASCON, and we definitely had the largest number of participants [MORE that eighty kids under the age of twelve and even a couple of babies! <3] compared to any other event! I have to add that every single member of my team pulled their weight. We had the best security, who ensured no kids could run out of our camp area unless escorted by their own parent, teacher, or our team members, even to go to the loo! It is a credit to my fantastic team that, in those two hectic full days, with more than eighty children and at least fifty rotating adults, there was not a single case where a child wandered off or was lost!

The event did not go off without a hitch -there were, in fact, some serious glitches due to miscommunications between participating schools and parents' of participating children [actually nothing to do with us, but we got caught in the cross fire]. Right before the start of the event, the parents assumed it was our mistake and, as the person in charge, I got a fantastic scolding from a few of the more aggressive individuals!

  They do look formidable, don't they?

It makes me happier, today, knowing that we were able to deal successfully with what could have turned out to be the deal breaker issues for our event! There was not a SINGLE parent or teacher who went away unhappy, and the kids just did not want to leave! =D

I was SO in my element rushing around bossing people! =D

For All of You

Credit: Z.Z.K.A 

My four years at NU-FAST have finally come to an end. We're going through our last week at uni now days, and I have very confusing feelings about this.

If you know me at all, you know that I'm an extremely emotional person. And if you knew me back in my A'levels, you'd know that I spent the last month and a half before high school ended crying. I hate good byes. I cannot stand losing people.

And this is losing them. no matter what we say, regardless of all the promises we make to stay in touch and get together frequently, the truth is, in another month or so, life as we know it will be no more.

These are the people I've seen every day of my life, through eighteen to twenty-two: the years that have had a huge impact on me; which shaped who I am and decided how I will look at, and deal with, the rest of my life. These people have seen me cry, shout and have nervous break-downs. We've acted crazy, had fun, and gotten in trouble together. I've had arguments with most of them. We've worked together on projects and put together events. We've loved each other and we've hated each other.

We have history together. And in a few days, all we will have are memories.

I'm happy to think of the future. No more assignments, no more worrying about grades. The thought of being economically independant is a huge rush. We're finally "growing up", and maybe that'll be fun. At the very least, it will finally be a break from the constant academic pressure. But I'm going to miss every single one of these people. Even the ones I actively dislike.

FAST is home. I've belonged here, and it has belonged to me. For four long years I entered here every morning, and if I so desired, I could stay here well into the night. We could do whatever we wanted, sit where ever we liked, and do it with the confidence that we could. In my mind these corridors will always resound with the songs we sang here, the common rooms with shared confidences. There were gossip sessions in empty class rooms, dancing in the ladies room, and celebrations in the cafeteria. There were impromptu basketball games, and hundreds of new friendships. We took life changing decisions and made critical choices, and worked through depression, hurt and anger with these friends. There were squabbles over work, class politics, and begging random juniors for lunch money. And there was a whole lot of love.  

This is what I see when I look back over the last four years. This is what I'll always remember.

This is what I will forever miss.  



Panini Sunday and My Little Breakdown

The only good things about this Sunday were these sandwiches, and the amazing cloudy spring weather.

The sandwiches are nothing special. Grilled cheese and chicken, basically. But they work well as comfort food. And yes, I need comfort.

My life is spinning out of control and I'm doing nothing. I feel as if I'm stuck in a rut and I just want to be done with things but there is no end in sight. Or at least, no end in sight until after a few very, very, VERY tough months.

Our FYP report is due by the end of April. It has to be about 20,000 words. We have to interview 10 leaders, with 3 sub-ordinates each, and write a case study on each leader. We have, to date, interviewed exactly ONE leader, and his three subordinates. The rest, not only have we not interviewed, but we're still begging for appointments. We don't have a single case study done.

We are having our mid-term exams now days. They go on till this Tuesday. We want to travel to Lahore, for the Lahore interviews, on the coming weekend [8th April], because the weekend after that [16th] is NASCON.

I changed "Cheerful" to "Energetic" later

I'm event head for Little Artists, which is an art-camp/art competition for kids, designed to give a softer side to NASCON.  When I signed up for the position, I just did not think it would be so difficult to juggle this along with everything else! I can't get enough time to call meetings and form teams and delegate tasks and I swear I'm trying really hard. There is absolutely no one to take up the slack for me either.

This is probably not all that big, but what with having five courses, one of which is Inferential Statistics [which I SUCK at], and wanting to jack up my CGPA in this semester, the pressure is crazy. What is worse is that it's not the kind of pressure which is motivating me to work harder. I'm all burnt out. I'm not doing much work. I feel ineffectual and numb and useless.

I leave home for school at 7 am, and get back home around eight pm most days. Once there, I just want to SLEEP. I'm not getting anything done. And I'm just so frightened of the crash that is just around the corner if I don't get my act together.

Argh.



*sigh*



Lessons [part two]

34. The worst way to spend life is with regrets.
35. Leaving is easy. Going back is very, very difficult.
36. Photographs are important. People will leave, time will change, photographs are forever.
37. Remember to make back-up files if you want your photographs to be forever.
38. There will always be people who take photographs, and then don’t share them. You can beg till you’re blue in the face, but to no avail. You’ve got to learn to forgive them.
39. Do not get your photographs taken by the people who have a history of not sharing them. It only adds to your heart-ache.
40. Blue? Put up a sad status on facebook. People WILL make you feel better.
41. The people who get you food when you’re sad are your real friends.
42. Don’t change too much because of someone else. One day, they will change or leave, and you won’t know how to go back to being yourself.
43. Deciding who to get married to is very, very, VERY difficult.
44. Deciding WHEN to get married is also very, very, VERY difficult.
45. Physical exertion is the BEST way to get over anything.
46. Basketball ftw.
47. Just because someone’s older doesn’t mean they’re smarter.
48. Dark circles suck.
49. Cooking is fun only as long as you don’t have to do the dishes.
50. Pets and babies are cute. Potty training is a bitch.
51. Mothers HAVE to get super angry at you atleast once a month. It’s in their job description.
52. It’s the little things that will always matter.
53. Being random is fun.
54. People will always talk behind your back. Remember “mujhe farq ni parta”, and give them better material to build upon.
55. Lists help.
56. Never give your significant other the address to your blog.
57. The people who will leave will do so, regardless of whatever you do to try to hold them to you. You can only delay the inevitable.
58. You cannot change anyone’s nature.
59. There is no such thing as ‘forever’. Nothing is ‘forever’.
60. 90% guys will be exactly like their fathers.
61. Some people will pity you for wanting to get married and have babies. Some people will pity you for not wanting to get married and have babies.
62. Staying happy is something you have to constantly work to achieve.
63. When you obsess and worry over one thing possibly going wrong, something absolutely unexpected probably will.
64. In hindsight, you will always be "better off now" and things will have always "turned out for the best".
65. A broken heart mends faster than you ever think it could.
66. Nothing stops hair fall.
67. The HR people will always be nice, even when there's no chance in hell of you ever getting that job.
68. Guys make better friends than girls, most of the time.
69. Every once in a while, you need time away from every single person you know, to be able to make some sense of life.

To be continued.

Lessons

I'm a list maker. I make lists when I'm confused, and need to plan something out. I make them when I'm happy, and I make them when I'm sad or angry. I also make them when I'm bored: in the loo and during the Operational Management class. These lists can be about anything and everything.

This is one I started quite some time back, and I like to add to it every once in a while. It is list of things I've learnt from life thus far. Bear with the cynicism. I started it when I was going through a really rough patch, and it shows. =)

1. “Some day” never comes.
2. You ALWAYS have a choice. When you let others make decisions to govern your life, you’re CHOOSING to give them that control.
3. You’re the one responsible for your life. It’s never anyone else’s fault, but yours.
4. The only difference between a “good life” and a “horrible life” is that of perspective.
5. No one is as happy as they seem to you.
6. It’s easier to pretend to be happy than to explain why you’re not.
7. There will always be politics. The only way out of it is to keep at a distance. From everybody.
8. Relationships are very, very difficult.
9. Very few people ever take you at face value.
10. Over-thinking and second guessing makes for a sad life.
11. The best thing to do when you’re sad is to imagine all the ways it could have been worse.
12. When you realize it’s going nowhere, cut your losses.
13. You’ll look good only when you believe you look good.
14. Confident bull-shit gets you places.
15. The best answer to everything life throws at you is “mujhe farq nai parta”. It’s no fun trying to needle someone who just doesn’t care.
16. You can be whoever you want to be, at any given time.
17. Absolute strangers are the best confidantes.
18. The saddest thing in the world is to not belong.
19. The best thing in the world is to belong.
20. Sometimes cakes don’t rise. It’s not your fault. Throw out the mess and try it again.
21. It’s stupid to depend on any one for the long haul.
22. The world doesn’t like you if you’re too in control. Fall apart once in a while to let people feel useful.
23. A clean break hurts least.
24. Most guys dislike smart, confident, straight-forward women. Most guys like slightly silly, damsel-in-distress types.
25. Brash confrontations never get you anywhere.
26. Things always look better the next morning. ALWAYS.
27. When you’re pissed, DO NOT TEXT. It may be saved and used against you.
28. Sometimes you’ve got to pretend you understood the dirty joke. Sometimes you have to pretend you didn’t.
29. You grow up and grow apart. That’s just how it is.
30. No use depending on promises. They can always say “we were wrong” or “we made a mistake” and take it all back, anyway.
31. You’re as young as you act.
32. Boys have more fun.
33. There will ALWAYS be someone who dislikes you intensely. No getting away from it.

Okay, the post is too long! I'll continue with a part two!